Body Clutter Chapter 2

I am really bad at his whole "consistency" thing, aren't I? It's been a busy couple of days, but I am back.

Chapter 2 is about the lies that the "diet" industry sells us. They want you to believe that there really is a shortcut, and theirs is the path to salvation from obesity. Then, when it fails, they are right there to sell you a new snake oil because *this time* will be different. I cannot tell you how much this affected me, or for how long. And I know it isn't just me. We are bombarded with so many images of people who succeed on these programs, that the only conclusion we are left with is that *we* are the ones to blame, the ones who failed.

This, friends, is BULLSH*T.  The simple truth is that there is no quick fix, no shortcut to health (and really, do I even have to say it? The focus should be on health, NOT weight or size). We are being lied to daily, and we are living the lies as if they are truth. Then why are we failing? Because successful weight loss means we don't need them anymore. A healthier person doesn't need a new miracle diet or pill or surgery. Why would an industry that makes millions off of people with low self-image want to improve that image?

Several questions this chapter. First, what is your image of beautiful? Mine is having a body strong enough to love my hubby, spoil my nieces and nephews and keep my home clean. Caring about myself enough to shower daily (yes, I am depressed and skip days, no, I don't care what you think of that).  Being healthy enough to carry my clean laundry up to the second floor from the basement without being winded. Maintaining my loving nature, and developing some humility and patience. My idea of beauty truly comes from the inside.

Next: what diets and such have you tried and how did you do? I played a lot of soccer as a child, also did some weight training at the YMCA. I did well with both, not really getting thinner, but at least I wasn't getting fatter. As I grew up, I mostly tried exercise, from more weights, to yoga (which I still love to this day), Tai Chi (also awesome) and the Couch to 5K program, which I love, but never stuck with. Diet-wise, I've tried and failed at Slim-Fast (awful, hateful stuff), the Hollywood Fast (made it through about 36 of 48 hours), and Herbalife (made me sick to my stomach). The only diet that ever worked for me was Atkins, which did wonders for my energy levels and waistline. The big problem? Meat is EXPENSIVE. So I never stuck with it.

It then asks you to go back to your teen years to reconstruct your weight timeline. Mine is fairly simple. I was about 180 when I was 15, gained about 100 pounds over the course of the next 3 years, and eventually (I think I was actually 20) I leveled out at my current 310ish. No true trigger situation, just a lifetime of poor eating and no exercise combined with hormones. I also have PCOS, so that contributed.

Finally, health issues. Again, PCOS. Also, pre-diabetic insulin resistance, borderline thyroid issues, severe hypertension and possibly whatever is going on with my kidneys.

I'll try to be back tomorrow for chapter 3. Love you guys (especially whoever is reading me in Russia and Germany! That's insanely cool).

Frustrations, Jubilations and (Personal) Renovations

I haven't been running in over a month. This summer has been REALLY hot, and I'm still trying to find a treadmill that can accommodate over 300 pounds. I also need real running shoes. I haven't been getting enough exercise at all, but the Bowflex is finally up and running! I'm starting a weight training routine Tuesday. Also, I'm supposed to help a friend who needs to GAIN weight (for heath reasons!-The only reason you should ever care what your weight is!) so that should be interesting.

My self-esteem (the point of this whole blog) was recently given a boost when I hosted a dinner party last weekend. I cooked and served a three-course meal without burning down the house or poisoning anyone. I was very proud.

However, it took me three days just to get the kitchen any semblance of tidy again. Not because it was so messy, but because I was too lazy to do it. That got me thinking. We obsess so much over the unimportant physical stuff that is difficult, if not impossible to change (too fat, too short, etc.). What about the inner stuff? I have a list of character flaws ranging from minor (whininess) to major (I can be REALLY mean for no good reason) with a whole lot in the middle (too lazy to do dishes). That is the stuff to focus on. Who we are is not what we look like. It is what we DO.

So this week's assignment is to identify ONE character flaw that has nothing to do with physicality and name a course of action to change it. So, "I don't exercise enough" doesn't count, but "I park in the handicapped spot when there is nothing wrong with me" definitely does. For example.

My flaw is laziness. Specifically, I spend WAY too much time on the internet and not enough doing the simple tasks set before me (mostly by myself!) each day. It is a downer on the self-esteem, and it is putting a strain on my relationship. My course of action is to not boot up my computer or open a book until my chores are done. It is a simple change that should really only delay my relaxation by a couple of hours a day.

So what is holding you back from reaching your potential, and what do you plan to do about it?

The Heat...

... is holding me hostage. There have been heat advisories these past couple of days, cautioning even experienced runners to stay indoors. I'm looking for an elliptical or treadmill so I can train indoors on the hot (or cold) days when going out isn't practical. Yesterday, istead of running, I went to the mall, and did a little mall walking, but it just wasn't enough to really get my heart rate up. I may go swimming tomorrow, if it doesn't rain again.

I really hate stuff like this, ya know? I'm all determined, and then something breaks my rhythm. I'm jumping right back in as soon as I can, but who knows when that will be? I may start running at night. It's well lit here, and if I go out before 10, relatively safe. I don't relish the thought of running in the dark, but what else can I do? I'm not a morning person, and I will die if I run in 90+ heat. My mom practically begged me not to go out yesterday.

And that's another thing. I know people are just concerned, but holy crap! I'm not an idiot. I weigh in at over 300#, am in *abysmal* shape, and am very new to running. I'm not going to push my self too hard, go to fast, ignore pain or severe shortness of breath, or run in an oven. Seriously. I have medical training, I'm working with a friend who has fitness training, and am following a reasonable plan I have *still* toned down. You people (and you know who you are) can stop worrying. I may be silly, but I am not suicidal.

Anyhoo. I dunno. I guess I need to figure out my alternatives better....

EDIT: I almost forgot to post my progress from Monday! I went running with my friends Mark and Tori. I made it 4 out of 8 intervals, and I *didn't even want to die* at the end. I was sweating like a pig but really invigorated and happy with my progress. Next time I run, I will try for 5 intervals. :D

C25K, W0D1

Good GOD. I am SO out of shape. Thursday, I decided to do a test run of Week 1 Day 1 (W1D1) of the Couch to 5K program. Now, keep in mind, this a a program designed SPECIFICALLY for lazy couch potatoes. W1D1 consists of a five minute warm up, followed by 8 intervals of run 60 seconds, walk 90 seconds, finished with a cool down.

I couldn't even do 3 intervals. Then, I walked home and died for 3 hours. Two days later, I am still sore.

My resolve is strong though. I'm calling it Week 0 until I can run all of the intervals. And I WILL run all of the intervals. I'm calling it the "Coma to 5K." :) I have a few running buddies lined up. It'll be fun. I WILL finish the program.

And they have other programs, too. 5K to 10K, 10K to half marathon, and half marathon to marathon. I want to be running a marathon by my 28th birthday. And I will cry as I cross the finish line.

Because this body? This is a body my doctors have told me will never allow me to have children. A body I am told is trying to kill me. But this is a body that, if worked with, nurtured and trained, will allow me to accomplish anything. Even running a marathon.

And when that day arrives, I will rejoice in all that my body is capable of, how far I have come and how very much it means to my health and my quality of life. I don't care if I'm never not fat, because, hey, I love me. I just want to keep up with my kids WHEN I have them.