I spent a lot of time last night meditating about my root, trying to figure out why it got so closed in the first place. I don't have those answers yet, but I do feel that it is starting to open up, and I feel much better already. Today I'm back on track with Body Clutter. Chapter 3 is about hiding. The way we hide from the world by refusing to dress and look our best. The way we hide from ourselves by pretending there isn't a problem.
FlyLady wants us to feel pretty (or handsome!) every day. Why is that so hard? I know that personally, I don't always feel I deserve to look pretty. Like there is some reason why I must sit around the house in frumpy old clothes with my hair in knots. Do you know it takes the same effort to put on jeans and a nice shirt as opposed to sweats? And only marginally more time to pull a brush through your hair than tossing the tangles in a scrunchie or headband. I don't wear makeup that often, partly because it's a hassle, partly because the hubby and I feel it is unnecessary, but when I do it takes 5 minutes. So why do we deny ourselves the pleasure of looking the best we can?
Dinner Diva goes on to talk about how the weight itself can be a way to hide. In her case, it was hiding from a dysfunctional marriage. But there are a whole host of things we could be hiding from. Shy people using their weight to hide from attention. People who have been abused in the past using it to hide from the opposite (or same) sex. And it isn't restricted to having excess weight. I know at least one lovely woman who has struggled with being too thin after being in an abusive relationship. I think that is also a way to hide, like disappearing.
The first question this chapter is do you feel pretty? And for me, that is a day-to-day thing. More and more though, the answer is "no." Even when I try to get all dolled up, there are fewer times that I look in the mirror and say "man, I'm cute." For example, the "Weird Al" concert. I picked out an awesome outfit in colors I know I look good in with lots of shiny bits because shiny things RULE. And I loved the outfit. I just didn't love me in it. Once I put it on, I felt a little silly. I wore it anyway, but there aren't any pictures of it, and I didn't feel good in it. I felt like an overgrown child. Like it would have looked good on someone half my age and a third my size. I have a hard time accepting that I can look nice.
How many years of clothes do you have in your closet and in how many sizes? Well, thanks to prior FlyLady influence, I have two giant bags of clothes sitting in my basement do donate, so not that much is still in the rotation, and most of it is less than 5 years old. However, I've been a size 28 since my junior year of high school, so even the older stuff still fits. Confession time though-I have a sweater from the third grade, and y'all. I still wear it. I wore it as a baggy dress back then, and it fits me as intended now. Take that as you will.
Do you get dressed to shoes every morning? Uh, no. No I don't. I know I should, but.... I'm actually in my PJ's writing this. I haven't had much energy to do laundry lately, so I'm a bit low on "presentable" options.
Have you ever felt embarrassed about your weight? Yeah. In fact the worst was this past August. I went with some friends to a zombie themed night at a local amusement park, and the ticket included access for the day as well. I went to one of the roller coasters, because I FREAKING LOVE ROLLER COASTERS! I even went to sit in the fat seat. And, for the first time in my life, despite my clothing size being the same, despite my weight not being more than 10 pounds different, it wouldn't close. I was asked to leave the ride. My friends went to get off, and I told them no, I was fine. But after they took off for the fun I was now denied, I called the hubby in tears. I was almost hysterical. One of my favorite things, and I couldn't do it any more. And on top of that, I was publicly humiliated. It was bad. Almost ruined the whole day. It has forced me to acknowledge that my weight IS a problem and it is holding me back from my life.
Have you used your body clutter as a shield? When and in what way? Yeah, I think I do this more than I want to admit. There are things in life that I want, but which also terrify me deeply. Coincidentally, these also happen to be things that being obese keeps me from doing anyway. Things like acting. I love to act, but there aren't a lot of roles for the fat (Tracy Turnblad aside). So I learn monologues, I practice my singing, and I never go on auditions, because what's the point? But the biggest thing in my life, the thing I have wanted since I was 12, is to be a mom. But I know that if I stay this heavy it won't happen. Those things, the things I love and want, are SCARY. So, I keep the weight on because it is the ultimate excuse for not putting myself out there. I can't be judged if I don't attempt.
Wow. This was a heavy chapter, and I feel a bit drained now. See you later!
Showing posts with label weight loss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label weight loss. Show all posts
20 May 2012
16 May 2012
Body Clutter Chapter 2
I am really bad at his whole "consistency" thing, aren't I? It's been a busy couple of days, but I am back.
Chapter 2 is about the lies that the "diet" industry sells us. They want you to believe that there really is a shortcut, and theirs is the path to salvation from obesity. Then, when it fails, they are right there to sell you a new snake oil because *this time* will be different. I cannot tell you how much this affected me, or for how long. And I know it isn't just me. We are bombarded with so many images of people who succeed on these programs, that the only conclusion we are left with is that *we* are the ones to blame, the ones who failed.
This, friends, is BULLSH*T. The simple truth is that there is no quick fix, no shortcut to health (and really, do I even have to say it? The focus should be on health, NOT weight or size). We are being lied to daily, and we are living the lies as if they are truth. Then why are we failing? Because successful weight loss means we don't need them anymore. A healthier person doesn't need a new miracle diet or pill or surgery. Why would an industry that makes millions off of people with low self-image want to improve that image?
Several questions this chapter. First, what is your image of beautiful? Mine is having a body strong enough to love my hubby, spoil my nieces and nephews and keep my home clean. Caring about myself enough to shower daily (yes, I am depressed and skip days, no, I don't care what you think of that). Being healthy enough to carry my clean laundry up to the second floor from the basement without being winded. Maintaining my loving nature, and developing some humility and patience. My idea of beauty truly comes from the inside.
Next: what diets and such have you tried and how did you do? I played a lot of soccer as a child, also did some weight training at the YMCA. I did well with both, not really getting thinner, but at least I wasn't getting fatter. As I grew up, I mostly tried exercise, from more weights, to yoga (which I still love to this day), Tai Chi (also awesome) and the Couch to 5K program, which I love, but never stuck with. Diet-wise, I've tried and failed at Slim-Fast (awful, hateful stuff), the Hollywood Fast (made it through about 36 of 48 hours), and Herbalife (made me sick to my stomach). The only diet that ever worked for me was Atkins, which did wonders for my energy levels and waistline. The big problem? Meat is EXPENSIVE. So I never stuck with it.
It then asks you to go back to your teen years to reconstruct your weight timeline. Mine is fairly simple. I was about 180 when I was 15, gained about 100 pounds over the course of the next 3 years, and eventually (I think I was actually 20) I leveled out at my current 310ish. No true trigger situation, just a lifetime of poor eating and no exercise combined with hormones. I also have PCOS, so that contributed.
Finally, health issues. Again, PCOS. Also, pre-diabetic insulin resistance, borderline thyroid issues, severe hypertension and possibly whatever is going on with my kidneys.
I'll try to be back tomorrow for chapter 3. Love you guys (especially whoever is reading me in Russia and Germany! That's insanely cool).
Chapter 2 is about the lies that the "diet" industry sells us. They want you to believe that there really is a shortcut, and theirs is the path to salvation from obesity. Then, when it fails, they are right there to sell you a new snake oil because *this time* will be different. I cannot tell you how much this affected me, or for how long. And I know it isn't just me. We are bombarded with so many images of people who succeed on these programs, that the only conclusion we are left with is that *we* are the ones to blame, the ones who failed.
This, friends, is BULLSH*T. The simple truth is that there is no quick fix, no shortcut to health (and really, do I even have to say it? The focus should be on health, NOT weight or size). We are being lied to daily, and we are living the lies as if they are truth. Then why are we failing? Because successful weight loss means we don't need them anymore. A healthier person doesn't need a new miracle diet or pill or surgery. Why would an industry that makes millions off of people with low self-image want to improve that image?
Several questions this chapter. First, what is your image of beautiful? Mine is having a body strong enough to love my hubby, spoil my nieces and nephews and keep my home clean. Caring about myself enough to shower daily (yes, I am depressed and skip days, no, I don't care what you think of that). Being healthy enough to carry my clean laundry up to the second floor from the basement without being winded. Maintaining my loving nature, and developing some humility and patience. My idea of beauty truly comes from the inside.
Next: what diets and such have you tried and how did you do? I played a lot of soccer as a child, also did some weight training at the YMCA. I did well with both, not really getting thinner, but at least I wasn't getting fatter. As I grew up, I mostly tried exercise, from more weights, to yoga (which I still love to this day), Tai Chi (also awesome) and the Couch to 5K program, which I love, but never stuck with. Diet-wise, I've tried and failed at Slim-Fast (awful, hateful stuff), the Hollywood Fast (made it through about 36 of 48 hours), and Herbalife (made me sick to my stomach). The only diet that ever worked for me was Atkins, which did wonders for my energy levels and waistline. The big problem? Meat is EXPENSIVE. So I never stuck with it.
It then asks you to go back to your teen years to reconstruct your weight timeline. Mine is fairly simple. I was about 180 when I was 15, gained about 100 pounds over the course of the next 3 years, and eventually (I think I was actually 20) I leveled out at my current 310ish. No true trigger situation, just a lifetime of poor eating and no exercise combined with hormones. I also have PCOS, so that contributed.
Finally, health issues. Again, PCOS. Also, pre-diabetic insulin resistance, borderline thyroid issues, severe hypertension and possibly whatever is going on with my kidneys.
I'll try to be back tomorrow for chapter 3. Love you guys (especially whoever is reading me in Russia and Germany! That's insanely cool).
10 May 2012
Never Give Up
This...this is just terrible. I apologize, really. I can NOT believe that it has been over a year since I last posted. I know, with less than a dozen followers, I'm mostly letting myself down, but dammit, I'm important, too. So, I'm sorry readers. And I'm sorry, me. I'm going to do better. Now to the post.
I, like most of the internet, saw the viral video, linked here. That, if you haven't seen it, is Arthur's story. Seriously, go watch it. I cried. But more importantly, I went looking. I found DDP yoga, created by professional wrestler, Diamond Dallas Page. I looked around his website, and I found another story. Stacey's story. This was a woman who tried everything, even losing 100lbs twice, always coming back to were she had been. And yet, she tried again. For more info, you can read her blog here. After some hemming and hawing about the price with the hubby (I hemmed and hawed, he encouraged), I purchased the DVDs today.
Do not misunderstand me. I am not in this purely for weight-loss. I don't give a damn what I end up looking like. I do care about my health. I care to get off of my blood-pressure medicine. I care to not get winded or achy climbing stars. I care to be the best nurse I can possibly be. And if I choose to have children someday, I care to have a safe pregnancy and a healthy child. So while I EAGERLY await the arrival of my newest obsession, I need to get my mind in the right space to achieve and maintain long-term health. And that means cracking open FlyLady and Dinner Diva's book, Body Clutter.
This is a book geared towards a deeper understanding of why we let our weight spiral out of control in the first place. Knowing our past hurts and letting them go. Understanding our triggers and learning how to over come them. As FlyLady says, Finally Loving Yourself (FLYing). And I'm going to work through it right here on this blog. And when I get my DVDs, I will work through them here, as well. And once I get some on going health issues sorted, I plan to return to my running, to ALSO be chronicled here.
I think I'm ready to be healthy. Wish me luck.
I, like most of the internet, saw the viral video, linked here. That, if you haven't seen it, is Arthur's story. Seriously, go watch it. I cried. But more importantly, I went looking. I found DDP yoga, created by professional wrestler, Diamond Dallas Page. I looked around his website, and I found another story. Stacey's story. This was a woman who tried everything, even losing 100lbs twice, always coming back to were she had been. And yet, she tried again. For more info, you can read her blog here. After some hemming and hawing about the price with the hubby (I hemmed and hawed, he encouraged), I purchased the DVDs today.
Do not misunderstand me. I am not in this purely for weight-loss. I don't give a damn what I end up looking like. I do care about my health. I care to get off of my blood-pressure medicine. I care to not get winded or achy climbing stars. I care to be the best nurse I can possibly be. And if I choose to have children someday, I care to have a safe pregnancy and a healthy child. So while I EAGERLY await the arrival of my newest obsession, I need to get my mind in the right space to achieve and maintain long-term health. And that means cracking open FlyLady and Dinner Diva's book, Body Clutter.
This is a book geared towards a deeper understanding of why we let our weight spiral out of control in the first place. Knowing our past hurts and letting them go. Understanding our triggers and learning how to over come them. As FlyLady says, Finally Loving Yourself (FLYing). And I'm going to work through it right here on this blog. And when I get my DVDs, I will work through them here, as well. And once I get some on going health issues sorted, I plan to return to my running, to ALSO be chronicled here.
I think I'm ready to be healthy. Wish me luck.
24 June 2010
The Heat...
... is holding me hostage. There have been heat advisories these past couple of days, cautioning even experienced runners to stay indoors. I'm looking for an elliptical or treadmill so I can train indoors on the hot (or cold) days when going out isn't practical. Yesterday, istead of running, I went to the mall, and did a little mall walking, but it just wasn't enough to really get my heart rate up. I may go swimming tomorrow, if it doesn't rain again.
I really hate stuff like this, ya know? I'm all determined, and then something breaks my rhythm. I'm jumping right back in as soon as I can, but who knows when that will be? I may start running at night. It's well lit here, and if I go out before 10, relatively safe. I don't relish the thought of running in the dark, but what else can I do? I'm not a morning person, and I will die if I run in 90+ heat. My mom practically begged me not to go out yesterday.
And that's another thing. I know people are just concerned, but holy crap! I'm not an idiot. I weigh in at over 300#, am in *abysmal* shape, and am very new to running. I'm not going to push my self too hard, go to fast, ignore pain or severe shortness of breath, or run in an oven. Seriously. I have medical training, I'm working with a friend who has fitness training, and am following a reasonable plan I have *still* toned down. You people (and you know who you are) can stop worrying. I may be silly, but I am not suicidal.
Anyhoo. I dunno. I guess I need to figure out my alternatives better....
EDIT: I almost forgot to post my progress from Monday! I went running with my friends Mark and Tori. I made it 4 out of 8 intervals, and I *didn't even want to die* at the end. I was sweating like a pig but really invigorated and happy with my progress. Next time I run, I will try for 5 intervals. :D
I really hate stuff like this, ya know? I'm all determined, and then something breaks my rhythm. I'm jumping right back in as soon as I can, but who knows when that will be? I may start running at night. It's well lit here, and if I go out before 10, relatively safe. I don't relish the thought of running in the dark, but what else can I do? I'm not a morning person, and I will die if I run in 90+ heat. My mom practically begged me not to go out yesterday.
And that's another thing. I know people are just concerned, but holy crap! I'm not an idiot. I weigh in at over 300#, am in *abysmal* shape, and am very new to running. I'm not going to push my self too hard, go to fast, ignore pain or severe shortness of breath, or run in an oven. Seriously. I have medical training, I'm working with a friend who has fitness training, and am following a reasonable plan I have *still* toned down. You people (and you know who you are) can stop worrying. I may be silly, but I am not suicidal.
Anyhoo. I dunno. I guess I need to figure out my alternatives better....
EDIT: I almost forgot to post my progress from Monday! I went running with my friends Mark and Tori. I made it 4 out of 8 intervals, and I *didn't even want to die* at the end. I was sweating like a pig but really invigorated and happy with my progress. Next time I run, I will try for 5 intervals. :D
05 August 2009
Attempt 2, Day 1: I Need This
Steve and I are both at all time high weights. Mine is sitting at about 323, last I checked. My pants are tight again. So I decided to redo the overall theme of this site, to give myself a fresh start.
This time, the focus will not be so much on losing weight, but just making healthy changes in my life, both physical and mental. I will not beat myself up for missing a day of exercise or messing up in my eating. My goals will be more concrete (no more candy or snack cakes) and less abstract (eat less junk), and less weight-loss oriented (lose 150 lbs) and more health oriented (get off my BP meds).
Also included will be tips and tidbits on ways I'm learning to love myself JUST AS I AM. It's so much easier to form healthy habits when you view yourself as someone worthy of love and nurturing. Hating yourself is just a road to self-punishment, i.e. binging until you want to puke.
I want to love me. I'm tired of waiting for other people to convince me I'm worthy of love. Damn it, I AM worthy of love. And I'm going to learn to love me, lumps and all. I want to see the beautiful woman that I keep being told I am.
Let's all rebel against the perfectionist culture that puts beauty in such a small box. we can't all be 5'11'' size 2 blondes with big racks and no hips. Ew. Most of us would look AWFUL like that. Plus how boring would that be? Let's celebrate the beauty of our diversity, and the diversity of beauty!
I'm going to start giving assignments.
This assignment:
Tell me one amazing thing your body can do, right now in the shape it's in now.
Thank you for reading, dear friends.
This time, the focus will not be so much on losing weight, but just making healthy changes in my life, both physical and mental. I will not beat myself up for missing a day of exercise or messing up in my eating. My goals will be more concrete (no more candy or snack cakes) and less abstract (eat less junk), and less weight-loss oriented (lose 150 lbs) and more health oriented (get off my BP meds).
Also included will be tips and tidbits on ways I'm learning to love myself JUST AS I AM. It's so much easier to form healthy habits when you view yourself as someone worthy of love and nurturing. Hating yourself is just a road to self-punishment, i.e. binging until you want to puke.
I want to love me. I'm tired of waiting for other people to convince me I'm worthy of love. Damn it, I AM worthy of love. And I'm going to learn to love me, lumps and all. I want to see the beautiful woman that I keep being told I am.
Let's all rebel against the perfectionist culture that puts beauty in such a small box. we can't all be 5'11'' size 2 blondes with big racks and no hips. Ew. Most of us would look AWFUL like that. Plus how boring would that be? Let's celebrate the beauty of our diversity, and the diversity of beauty!
I'm going to start giving assignments.
This assignment:
Tell me one amazing thing your body can do, right now in the shape it's in now.
Thank you for reading, dear friends.
12 January 2009
Day 1: Weigh-in and Goals
EW! So I the title of my blog says I weigh 310, which would be bad enough. But I just weighed in and I'm actually 311. I wear a size 28. My knees creak, I have high blood pressure, and PCOS. I have insulin resistance with a family history of diabetes.
My name is Mandy. I am turning 25 this month. I have 0 chance of enjoying the rest of my 20's if the weight doesn't come off NOW. So yeah.
I decided to start this blog for two reasons:
1. To motivate me. I need to do this. I need to be accountable to someone, even if it is only the phantom of the possibility of people reading this.
2. To motivate others. I hope, as I write this that I am successful enough to serve as inspiration for others. So if you're reading, comment! I want to know what you think, what you feel, what your goals are!
So my goal for my next weigh-in, January 26th (the day before my birthday!) is a loss of 10 pounds, putting me at 301.
My goal for the end of my college semester, May 15th (I have to double-check that!) is a loss of 50 pounds, putting me at 261.
My long term goal, slightly adjusted for today's one pound disappointment, is a loss of 151 pounds, putting me at 160.
How am I to do that? Lots of veggies. Good fruits. Lean protein. Leafy greens.
For exercise, I will be walking 1 hour every day. I will also throw in other programs IN ADDITION, if time permits.
I will keep you posted.
Wish me luck!
Oh! And tomorrow: Before pictures! Gross!!
My name is Mandy. I am turning 25 this month. I have 0 chance of enjoying the rest of my 20's if the weight doesn't come off NOW. So yeah.
I decided to start this blog for two reasons:
1. To motivate me. I need to do this. I need to be accountable to someone, even if it is only the phantom of the possibility of people reading this.
2. To motivate others. I hope, as I write this that I am successful enough to serve as inspiration for others. So if you're reading, comment! I want to know what you think, what you feel, what your goals are!
So my goal for my next weigh-in, January 26th (the day before my birthday!) is a loss of 10 pounds, putting me at 301.
My goal for the end of my college semester, May 15th (I have to double-check that!) is a loss of 50 pounds, putting me at 261.
My long term goal, slightly adjusted for today's one pound disappointment, is a loss of 151 pounds, putting me at 160.
How am I to do that? Lots of veggies. Good fruits. Lean protein. Leafy greens.
For exercise, I will be walking 1 hour every day. I will also throw in other programs IN ADDITION, if time permits.
I will keep you posted.
Wish me luck!
Oh! And tomorrow: Before pictures! Gross!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)