14 January 2009

Day 3: Doubts and Insecurity

Oh my god. I found one of my old classmates on MySpace the other day, and she accepted my friend request today. That means I finally get to see her profile.

She's a model. Runway-walking, pictures in a magazine model. She's even more beautiful than she was in high school, and she was stunning then. She's got all of these amazing professional pictures up on the internet, and she looks flawless in everyone. What do I have on the internet? My flab.

I feel so stupid for posting those pictures yesterday. I don't want to look at my gut, why would anyone else? And what if I fail? My failure is REALLY out there for the whole world. I have failed so many times before. I'm terrified of spending the rest of my life as a fat loser.

I want to have fun! I want to be proud of my pictures- all of them, not just the ones from the shoulders up! I want to stand up next to beautiful people and feel like I'm not the pity friend.

I felt like the pity friend all through high school, you know? I was the fattest kid in my grade. Sure, I was friends with a bunch of cheerleaders and most of the football team, but why? Were they laughing at me behind my back? Or, worse, did they feel sorry for me?

I never want to feel that way again. EVER. I thought that once I was out of high school, I wouldn't have to, but this past semester.... It's college people. We're supposed to be past the childishness of teasing people, especially behind their back.

I'm sick of it! SICK TO DEATH! I want to be someone who wants to meet new people, not someone who has to wonder "why are they staring at me?"

I can't fail this time. This HAS to work.


  1. Are you referring to Ally?

  2. WAY belated reply, but yes, I was. :)