No more day tags

I have lost all ability to tag by the day. This semester has been insane. Chemistry, Biology, Psychology and English. :P On top of that, my aunt passed away just after Thanksgiving, and my brother was arrested. So, yeah, very little time to think, let alone blog.

I just wanted to log on and tell anyone who finds this: YOU ARE AMAZING. The fact that you wake up every morning and get up and live our life is nothing short of a miracle. Some of you have to go to work that you hate, some of you have to deal with too many kids and not enough help, you may have chronic physical pain, or you may have lived through intense mental pain. You may have a great life, or you may have a partner who makes your life harder than it has to be. But if you woke up today, you've been given a new chance!

You are capable of amazing beauty. Caring for your children, partner, parents, friends.... Reaching out to help a stranger.... Volunteering with animals at the shelter.... Picking up some litter.... When you stop to make someone else's day beautiful, it adds to your own sense of worth. I challenge any of you who are having a bad day to get out of your own head and make someone else's day. Then look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you are capable of touching another life in a positive way, and that you are beautiful and worthy of love and acceptance.

You are all beautiful. <3 <3 <3

Day 6: Big Girls, You Are Beautiful!

I just wanted to share a video that i adore, that I found when Googling the phrase "big girls are beautiful." The song is by Mika, a British singer who is fabulous. If you get a chance, listen to some of his other stuff. I recommend "Grace Kelly," which is about trying to get people to accept you for who you are, "Relax, Take it Easy," which, near as I can tell, is about devotion and the need to mellow in a relationship, and "Lollipop," which is just fun.

So follow the link to "Big Girl (You Are Beautiful) by Mika.


And remember, no matter who you are, how much you weigh, or what you look like, there is beauty in all of us. Maybe you have a particularly great smile, or kind eyes, an amazing rack (yeah, I said it. Flaunt it girl!). Maybe you have the best hair in the world, or curves that would flip an SUV. Whatever it is, find it, and love it. If you can find even ONE thing about you that is beautiful, you will start learning to see the beauty in the rest of yourself.

This goes for the guys, too.

*MUAH*

Attempt 2, Day 1: I Need This

Steve and I are both at all time high weights. Mine is sitting at about 323, last I checked. My pants are tight again. So I decided to redo the overall theme of this site, to give myself a fresh start.

This time, the focus will not be so much on losing weight, but just making healthy changes in my life, both physical and mental. I will not beat myself up for missing a day of exercise or messing up in my eating. My goals will be more concrete (no more candy or snack cakes) and less abstract (eat less junk), and less weight-loss oriented (lose 150 lbs) and more health oriented (get off my BP meds).

Also included will be tips and tidbits on ways I'm learning to love myself JUST AS I AM. It's so much easier to form healthy habits when you view yourself as someone worthy of love and nurturing. Hating yourself is just a road to self-punishment, i.e. binging until you want to puke.

I want to love me. I'm tired of waiting for other people to convince me I'm worthy of love. Damn it, I AM worthy of love. And I'm going to learn to love me, lumps and all. I want to see the beautiful woman that I keep being told I am.

Let's all rebel against the perfectionist culture that puts beauty in such a small box. we can't all be 5'11'' size 2 blondes with big racks and no hips. Ew. Most of us would look AWFUL like that. Plus how boring would that be? Let's celebrate the beauty of our diversity, and the diversity of beauty!

I'm going to start giving assignments.
This assignment:
Tell me one amazing thing your body can do, right now in the shape it's in now.
Thank you for reading, dear friends.

Day 68: Pain Receeding

If I take my medicine properly, I feel completely normal. If I forget, or just don't, it gets bad, but much less than it was. I'm doing my PT exercises intermittently, but they really do help. I've noted an odd upper body strength discrepancy between my left and right sides. I realized it was from carrying my bookbag with my right hand exclusively. The difference in my side ab muscles was probably contributory to my injury, so I'm now switching hands.
I've recently purchased a Kripalu Yoga DVD, and have organized an impromptu group to watch and participate during lunches on Tuesday and Thursday. I'm afraid to weigh in right now however, as a combination of lethargy, pain and depression has made me very sedentary and hungry.

Yuck. However. Back on track tomorrow.

Day 34: A Pain in the Butt

Literally:
The sciatica I spoke of (briefly) in my last post is a pain that starts in my butt, and runs down the length of my left leg. For over a week, I was unable to even move my left leg forward to walk when I first woke up in the morning. I went to the Clinic in Phoenixville to see Dr. Romeo. (Yes, that is his real name, but think the difference between a rodeo, and Rodeo Drive.) He did a couple of quick tests and told me, thankfully, the pain is caused by a muscle spasm, and NOT a herniated disc. He put me on a high dose anti-inflammatory, and referred me to the physical therapist. My first PT appointment is next Friday.

Figuratively:
It SUCKS not being able to move much. I'm doing better, but I can't even pick up my niece without pain, and dancing with her is right out. To have such a major setback so early on is frustrating like you would NOT BELIEVE. Walking is a chore. The most I can handle is getting to classes, and for my basic needs at home. I've attempted shopping twice, both times ended in agony.

My diet has suffered, too. I knew it would- I'm an emotional eater. I'm pissed off and sulky=I eat crap. I'm trying but between the almost constant availability for desserts and junk, and my inability to say no to them when I'm in a funk... I haven't even stepped on a scale lately. I'm too embarrassed.

But, there is a glimmer of hope at the end of this crushing tunnel- physical therapy. I get to talk to some one about the SAFE way to exercise. Also, I'm not going to let something temporary sabotage me permanently this time. Once I have the go ahead to work out, I'm going to pick myself up and GO. I can't afford to waste time waiting for "inspiration" to strike again.

I'm going to be healthy. It's not an option or a dream. It's simply the truth.

Day 26: Set Backs

I have been officially diagnosed with sciatica. I can't exercise, I can barely move. Things are...not going so well.

I'll updated when the bed-resty-sequesterness is over.

Day 15: Two Week Weigh-In

I am NOT happy. At all. Since the start of this diet, I have actually GAINED a pound. I am beyond annoyed at myself. I'd been avoiding it all this time, but I think I need to start a food journal. It's just too easy to let it all get away from me otherwise.

Too annoyed to type. Grrr.

Day 11: Reaffirmation

I'm firmly entrenched in week two of my diet and my size 28 pants won't stay up without a belt anymore. :) I'm sitting at a computer in my college as I type, a lunch of garden salad with grilled chicken and fat free dressing at my side.

One of my classmates, who, for her privacy I will call J, has offered up her help in reaching my goal. That means a lot because J has lost a lot of weight herself, having undergone bariatric surgery. She's willing to help in anyway she can. "Even nagging," which is EXACTLY what I need!

To my 3 followers so far: Welcome and my many, many thanks. You have no idea what it means to me that there are other people out there committed to seeing me succeed. Please, please comment, let me know what you are thinking, and get on my case if you have to! If I could do this without help, I'd be there already.

I'm feeling good. I bought a pair of dancing shoes to match the ones my niece wears, so we can really groove together, lol.

Ew. I just loled in a blog. Anyway.

With my weigh-in just days around the corner, I don't think I will have lost nearly the amount of pounds I had planned on. In hindsight, it was probably an unrealistic goal, not to mention an unhealthy one, as I'm not under the supervision of a doctor. (I should be, and you should be, too, if you're trying to lose.)

I'm feeling good again. Back in school and around people, I feel my spirits lifting. With good spirits comes renewed determination. As my favorite drill instructor (from Celebrity Fit Club) would say, I'm in the firefight.

Hoo-ah.

Day 8: Self-Discipline is HARD

I'm doing okay with the diet portion, but the exercise is not so easy to come by. It's cold outside, and I don't wanna walk! I go up and down stairs as much as I can, but I still feel like I should be doing more. Blah.

Maybe I'll update later today. Maybe not.

Day 5: Good News

Not an official weigh-in or any thing, but. Night before last I stepped on the scale and I had already lost a pound. I know, I know, could have been water-weight but I'll take the victory.

I would have posted this yesterday, but I spent all day reading Breaking Dawn, and all night arguing with Steve about how I spent my day. LOL.

Day 3: Doubts and Insecurity

Oh my god. I found one of my old classmates on MySpace the other day, and she accepted my friend request today. That means I finally get to see her profile.

She's a model. Runway-walking, pictures in a magazine model. She's even more beautiful than she was in high school, and she was stunning then. She's got all of these amazing professional pictures up on the internet, and she looks flawless in everyone. What do I have on the internet? My flab.

I feel so stupid for posting those pictures yesterday. I don't want to look at my gut, why would anyone else? And what if I fail? My failure is REALLY out there for the whole world. I have failed so many times before. I'm terrified of spending the rest of my life as a fat loser.

I want to have fun! I want to be proud of my pictures- all of them, not just the ones from the shoulders up! I want to stand up next to beautiful people and feel like I'm not the pity friend.

I felt like the pity friend all through high school, you know? I was the fattest kid in my grade. Sure, I was friends with a bunch of cheerleaders and most of the football team, but why? Were they laughing at me behind my back? Or, worse, did they feel sorry for me?

I never want to feel that way again. EVER. I thought that once I was out of high school, I wouldn't have to, but this past semester.... It's college people. We're supposed to be past the childishness of teasing people, especially behind their back.

I'm sick of it! SICK TO DEATH! I want to be someone who wants to meet new people, not someone who has to wonder "why are they staring at me?"

I can't fail this time. This HAS to work.

Day 1: Weigh-in and Goals

EW! So I the title of my blog says I weigh 310, which would be bad enough. But I just weighed in and I'm actually 311. I wear a size 28. My knees creak, I have high blood pressure, and PCOS. I have insulin resistance with a family history of diabetes.

My name is Mandy. I am turning 25 this month. I have 0 chance of enjoying the rest of my 20's if the weight doesn't come off NOW. So yeah.

I decided to start this blog for two reasons:

1. To motivate me. I need to do this. I need to be accountable to someone, even if it is only the phantom of the possibility of people reading this.

2. To motivate others. I hope, as I write this that I am successful enough to serve as inspiration for others. So if you're reading, comment! I want to know what you think, what you feel, what your goals are!

So my goal for my next weigh-in, January 26th (the day before my birthday!) is a loss of 10 pounds, putting me at 301.

My goal for the end of my college semester, May 15th (I have to double-check that!) is a loss of 50 pounds, putting me at 261.

My long term goal, slightly adjusted for today's one pound disappointment, is a loss of 151 pounds, putting me at 160.

How am I to do that? Lots of veggies. Good fruits. Lean protein. Leafy greens.

For exercise, I will be walking 1 hour every day. I will also throw in other programs IN ADDITION, if time permits.

I will keep you posted.

Wish me luck!

Oh! And tomorrow: Before pictures! Gross!!