I have a confession to make. I have no idea how to be an adult. I am rapidly closing in on 30, I want to have kids, I have a house and a hubby, but I am still a gigantic child. I never take responsibility for my actions, I procrastinate, I'm stubborn and irrational, and I refuse to take care of the basics of living. Now along comes DDP with his yoga and his philosophies, promising me better health if I just commit to it and "own my life."
What does that even mean? How do I do that? I am still trying to figure out who I am and what I really want. How can I own a question mark? I've never taken care of myself because I have never had to. I've had people take care of me, pander to me, and support my every terrible decision. I'm basically an immature mess.
This blog is the only thing I have going for me. The idea that people are watching what I do, and maybe taking some sort of inspiration from it, is about the only thing that is keeping me on any semblance of a path. Every hit I see added to my page stats tells me that someone is reading, and makes me feel like maybe I can help. Because they say that if you want to really learn something, you should teach it. I guess that's what this blog is to me.
If my ramblings about life and self-esteem and healing have even the chance of giving someone else hope, I will keep plowing forward. Maybe in the end, owning your life isn't about knowing where it's headed, or really even just making things happen. Maybe it's about owning the mistakes and the setbacks, the hesitations and doubts, the faults and the flaws. Because these things ARE me.
I have a favorite quote: "When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be." (Lao Tzu) I have to own the past, and not let it become my future. I have to know what I am holding onto, so that I can let it go. This is my life, this is it, all of me. I am what I have done, and what I will do. But that is up to me. There is no one else who is going to come to the rescue. My life is mine to make of it what I will. Is that what it means to own it?
Showing posts with label Self-esteem. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Self-esteem. Show all posts
31 May 2012
22 May 2012
Body Clutter Chapter 4
This chapter is all about the lies we tell, both to others and to ourselves. How many "reasons" do you have for not getting off the couch? For why you need to order Chinese instead of cooking something nutritious? Believe me, I've used them all, and they are not reasons. They are excuses. Let's look at my biggest two:
"I'm in too much pain to cook." That's a biggie, and borders on legitimate. The pain in my kidneys does restrict me from doing things SOMEtimes. But why can't I pre-cook good meals to freeze on days I'm feeling okay? It isn't any harder to throw a casserole in the oven than it is a pizza.
"I'm too tired to exercise." Whose fault is that but mine? It is LACK of exercise that ultimately exhausts us. We need to move, so that our bodies can more efficiently make energy. A little push now, and I will be in much better condition later. Nothing worth having is easy, especially at first.
What are yours? Are you too busy? Too hungry to wait? Is it too hot/cold to go outside? Those are roadblocks that we construct to keep us from doing what we know is right. I bought my copy of Body Clutter secondhand, and it has some underlining. One of the things that the previous owner highlighted was "...our excuses reveal a lack of character on our part, an ugly dent in our personal integrity." Um, ouch. That really hits too close to home for me.
No questions this chapter, just a request to write down your biggest excuses, which I have started above. Others include "I'm just overwhelmed." "I need a minute" (that never comes). "I have nothing to wear." "I just need a nap first." "I don't have time/a ride/the money to go get my prescription filled." "I don't know where to start."
Well, as far as the last one goes, I'm starting here and now. I'm tackling my bad attitudes, and conquering my fears. I am taking baby-steps towards having a clean kitchen stocked with healthy foods. I am committing to moving my body everyday, and taking care of it with the medicines it needs.
BTW guys, I THRIVE on comments, so please, don't be afraid to leave some. Such as, what are some of your excuses for not living as fully and healthfully as you know you should?
"I'm in too much pain to cook." That's a biggie, and borders on legitimate. The pain in my kidneys does restrict me from doing things SOMEtimes. But why can't I pre-cook good meals to freeze on days I'm feeling okay? It isn't any harder to throw a casserole in the oven than it is a pizza.
"I'm too tired to exercise." Whose fault is that but mine? It is LACK of exercise that ultimately exhausts us. We need to move, so that our bodies can more efficiently make energy. A little push now, and I will be in much better condition later. Nothing worth having is easy, especially at first.
What are yours? Are you too busy? Too hungry to wait? Is it too hot/cold to go outside? Those are roadblocks that we construct to keep us from doing what we know is right. I bought my copy of Body Clutter secondhand, and it has some underlining. One of the things that the previous owner highlighted was "...our excuses reveal a lack of character on our part, an ugly dent in our personal integrity." Um, ouch. That really hits too close to home for me.
No questions this chapter, just a request to write down your biggest excuses, which I have started above. Others include "I'm just overwhelmed." "I need a minute" (that never comes). "I have nothing to wear." "I just need a nap first." "I don't have time/a ride/the money to go get my prescription filled." "I don't know where to start."
Well, as far as the last one goes, I'm starting here and now. I'm tackling my bad attitudes, and conquering my fears. I am taking baby-steps towards having a clean kitchen stocked with healthy foods. I am committing to moving my body everyday, and taking care of it with the medicines it needs.
BTW guys, I THRIVE on comments, so please, don't be afraid to leave some. Such as, what are some of your excuses for not living as fully and healthfully as you know you should?
21 May 2012
A TIme For Change
Hey look! I renovated! Severe boredom necessitates change.
Anywho. I'm still recovering from yesterday's intensity, and working on my root. Today's mission: clean the kitchen. Simply must be done, no putting it off any longer. Simply put, I'm finding that the cause of my root issues stems from the illusion that I have lost control. The more I sit around feeling that I have lost control of my health and my house, the more both of those things spiral. It is a vicious cycle, and I am here to break it.
By cleaning the kitchen, I am taking back the control of both my home and my health. It is a first step in getting the house presentable. And while I am still waiting on my DVD's, kitchen clean-up also marks my first step in claiming control of my health. I can't get better if my food is prepared and stored in filth. And I can't prepare healthful foods if all of the space is taken up with trash and dirty dishes, and I can't store it in a fridge that is full of past-its-prime leftovers.
This truly is a time for change. A time for renovations. New site, clean house, sound mind, healthy body. Good things are coming my way. I can feel it.
Anywho. I'm still recovering from yesterday's intensity, and working on my root. Today's mission: clean the kitchen. Simply must be done, no putting it off any longer. Simply put, I'm finding that the cause of my root issues stems from the illusion that I have lost control. The more I sit around feeling that I have lost control of my health and my house, the more both of those things spiral. It is a vicious cycle, and I am here to break it.
By cleaning the kitchen, I am taking back the control of both my home and my health. It is a first step in getting the house presentable. And while I am still waiting on my DVD's, kitchen clean-up also marks my first step in claiming control of my health. I can't get better if my food is prepared and stored in filth. And I can't prepare healthful foods if all of the space is taken up with trash and dirty dishes, and I can't store it in a fridge that is full of past-its-prime leftovers.
This truly is a time for change. A time for renovations. New site, clean house, sound mind, healthy body. Good things are coming my way. I can feel it.
20 May 2012
Body Clutter Chapter 3
I spent a lot of time last night meditating about my root, trying to figure out why it got so closed in the first place. I don't have those answers yet, but I do feel that it is starting to open up, and I feel much better already. Today I'm back on track with Body Clutter. Chapter 3 is about hiding. The way we hide from the world by refusing to dress and look our best. The way we hide from ourselves by pretending there isn't a problem.
FlyLady wants us to feel pretty (or handsome!) every day. Why is that so hard? I know that personally, I don't always feel I deserve to look pretty. Like there is some reason why I must sit around the house in frumpy old clothes with my hair in knots. Do you know it takes the same effort to put on jeans and a nice shirt as opposed to sweats? And only marginally more time to pull a brush through your hair than tossing the tangles in a scrunchie or headband. I don't wear makeup that often, partly because it's a hassle, partly because the hubby and I feel it is unnecessary, but when I do it takes 5 minutes. So why do we deny ourselves the pleasure of looking the best we can?
Dinner Diva goes on to talk about how the weight itself can be a way to hide. In her case, it was hiding from a dysfunctional marriage. But there are a whole host of things we could be hiding from. Shy people using their weight to hide from attention. People who have been abused in the past using it to hide from the opposite (or same) sex. And it isn't restricted to having excess weight. I know at least one lovely woman who has struggled with being too thin after being in an abusive relationship. I think that is also a way to hide, like disappearing.
The first question this chapter is do you feel pretty? And for me, that is a day-to-day thing. More and more though, the answer is "no." Even when I try to get all dolled up, there are fewer times that I look in the mirror and say "man, I'm cute." For example, the "Weird Al" concert. I picked out an awesome outfit in colors I know I look good in with lots of shiny bits because shiny things RULE. And I loved the outfit. I just didn't love me in it. Once I put it on, I felt a little silly. I wore it anyway, but there aren't any pictures of it, and I didn't feel good in it. I felt like an overgrown child. Like it would have looked good on someone half my age and a third my size. I have a hard time accepting that I can look nice.
How many years of clothes do you have in your closet and in how many sizes? Well, thanks to prior FlyLady influence, I have two giant bags of clothes sitting in my basement do donate, so not that much is still in the rotation, and most of it is less than 5 years old. However, I've been a size 28 since my junior year of high school, so even the older stuff still fits. Confession time though-I have a sweater from the third grade, and y'all. I still wear it. I wore it as a baggy dress back then, and it fits me as intended now. Take that as you will.
Do you get dressed to shoes every morning? Uh, no. No I don't. I know I should, but.... I'm actually in my PJ's writing this. I haven't had much energy to do laundry lately, so I'm a bit low on "presentable" options.
Have you ever felt embarrassed about your weight? Yeah. In fact the worst was this past August. I went with some friends to a zombie themed night at a local amusement park, and the ticket included access for the day as well. I went to one of the roller coasters, because I FREAKING LOVE ROLLER COASTERS! I even went to sit in the fat seat. And, for the first time in my life, despite my clothing size being the same, despite my weight not being more than 10 pounds different, it wouldn't close. I was asked to leave the ride. My friends went to get off, and I told them no, I was fine. But after they took off for the fun I was now denied, I called the hubby in tears. I was almost hysterical. One of my favorite things, and I couldn't do it any more. And on top of that, I was publicly humiliated. It was bad. Almost ruined the whole day. It has forced me to acknowledge that my weight IS a problem and it is holding me back from my life.
Have you used your body clutter as a shield? When and in what way? Yeah, I think I do this more than I want to admit. There are things in life that I want, but which also terrify me deeply. Coincidentally, these also happen to be things that being obese keeps me from doing anyway. Things like acting. I love to act, but there aren't a lot of roles for the fat (Tracy Turnblad aside). So I learn monologues, I practice my singing, and I never go on auditions, because what's the point? But the biggest thing in my life, the thing I have wanted since I was 12, is to be a mom. But I know that if I stay this heavy it won't happen. Those things, the things I love and want, are SCARY. So, I keep the weight on because it is the ultimate excuse for not putting myself out there. I can't be judged if I don't attempt.
Wow. This was a heavy chapter, and I feel a bit drained now. See you later!
FlyLady wants us to feel pretty (or handsome!) every day. Why is that so hard? I know that personally, I don't always feel I deserve to look pretty. Like there is some reason why I must sit around the house in frumpy old clothes with my hair in knots. Do you know it takes the same effort to put on jeans and a nice shirt as opposed to sweats? And only marginally more time to pull a brush through your hair than tossing the tangles in a scrunchie or headband. I don't wear makeup that often, partly because it's a hassle, partly because the hubby and I feel it is unnecessary, but when I do it takes 5 minutes. So why do we deny ourselves the pleasure of looking the best we can?
Dinner Diva goes on to talk about how the weight itself can be a way to hide. In her case, it was hiding from a dysfunctional marriage. But there are a whole host of things we could be hiding from. Shy people using their weight to hide from attention. People who have been abused in the past using it to hide from the opposite (or same) sex. And it isn't restricted to having excess weight. I know at least one lovely woman who has struggled with being too thin after being in an abusive relationship. I think that is also a way to hide, like disappearing.
The first question this chapter is do you feel pretty? And for me, that is a day-to-day thing. More and more though, the answer is "no." Even when I try to get all dolled up, there are fewer times that I look in the mirror and say "man, I'm cute." For example, the "Weird Al" concert. I picked out an awesome outfit in colors I know I look good in with lots of shiny bits because shiny things RULE. And I loved the outfit. I just didn't love me in it. Once I put it on, I felt a little silly. I wore it anyway, but there aren't any pictures of it, and I didn't feel good in it. I felt like an overgrown child. Like it would have looked good on someone half my age and a third my size. I have a hard time accepting that I can look nice.
How many years of clothes do you have in your closet and in how many sizes? Well, thanks to prior FlyLady influence, I have two giant bags of clothes sitting in my basement do donate, so not that much is still in the rotation, and most of it is less than 5 years old. However, I've been a size 28 since my junior year of high school, so even the older stuff still fits. Confession time though-I have a sweater from the third grade, and y'all. I still wear it. I wore it as a baggy dress back then, and it fits me as intended now. Take that as you will.
Do you get dressed to shoes every morning? Uh, no. No I don't. I know I should, but.... I'm actually in my PJ's writing this. I haven't had much energy to do laundry lately, so I'm a bit low on "presentable" options.
Have you ever felt embarrassed about your weight? Yeah. In fact the worst was this past August. I went with some friends to a zombie themed night at a local amusement park, and the ticket included access for the day as well. I went to one of the roller coasters, because I FREAKING LOVE ROLLER COASTERS! I even went to sit in the fat seat. And, for the first time in my life, despite my clothing size being the same, despite my weight not being more than 10 pounds different, it wouldn't close. I was asked to leave the ride. My friends went to get off, and I told them no, I was fine. But after they took off for the fun I was now denied, I called the hubby in tears. I was almost hysterical. One of my favorite things, and I couldn't do it any more. And on top of that, I was publicly humiliated. It was bad. Almost ruined the whole day. It has forced me to acknowledge that my weight IS a problem and it is holding me back from my life.
Have you used your body clutter as a shield? When and in what way? Yeah, I think I do this more than I want to admit. There are things in life that I want, but which also terrify me deeply. Coincidentally, these also happen to be things that being obese keeps me from doing anyway. Things like acting. I love to act, but there aren't a lot of roles for the fat (Tracy Turnblad aside). So I learn monologues, I practice my singing, and I never go on auditions, because what's the point? But the biggest thing in my life, the thing I have wanted since I was 12, is to be a mom. But I know that if I stay this heavy it won't happen. Those things, the things I love and want, are SCARY. So, I keep the weight on because it is the ultimate excuse for not putting myself out there. I can't be judged if I don't attempt.
Wow. This was a heavy chapter, and I feel a bit drained now. See you later!
Balanced Chakras, Balanced Life-Root
Continuing on my quest for emotional and spiritual health, but taking a break from Body Clutter (just for a day or so more, I SWEAR!), I have decided to look into the eastern philosophy of chakras. It is an interesting concept. The basic idea is that there are pools of energy in the body, and energy flows from one to the next. Only by having all chakras open and balanced can we reach full actualization. It kind of trucks with Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. Each step must be firmly in place for the next to be tackled. I will post here about them as I work through it, and will be adding pictures of the meditative mandalas I am making for them.
The first chakra, is the root, and it is found at the base of the spine. It deals with the physical. Pain, depression and fear can be traced to a blockage, while egotism, greed and cruelty are signs of over-activity. When properly balanced, there is a feeling of loving life, and being at home in one's skin. Its color is red.
Wow. Do I have a closed off root, or what? I am in almost constant physical pain, mostly stemming from my kidneys these days (an organ associated with the root chakra). I am depressed to the point of being suicidal sometimes. I have an acute fear of loss, and a stupid crazy need for things, especially clothing. There is nothing about me that I love right now. Most days I sit on the couch with my knitting and do all of nothing, going back to bed in the same pajamas. The most I ask from my days right now is that I be allowed to mentally check out and have a minimum of physical pain.
One of the things the website I'm reading says, is that I can balance this chakra by cleaning my house. *Grimace* I am frankly embarrassed at the state of my house. I keep trying to find the motivation to do something, and I keep not having it. I guess that's another symptom of the blockage, huh? Another thing it says is to dance. I haven't really done that in a while, mostly because it irritates the hubby. But who says it has to be in front of him? Also, it says to go barefoot and take care of plants.
So my Root Chakra To-Do List:
Crank up the music and dance
Go barefoot, and tend to my garden
Clean my house, starting in the kitchen, which happens to be the epicenter of the gross.
Start everyday by saying, "My life is full of love and opportunity. Today, I will rise to each challenge set before me, and tonight, I will go to bed better for it."
Source
The first chakra, is the root, and it is found at the base of the spine. It deals with the physical. Pain, depression and fear can be traced to a blockage, while egotism, greed and cruelty are signs of over-activity. When properly balanced, there is a feeling of loving life, and being at home in one's skin. Its color is red.
Wow. Do I have a closed off root, or what? I am in almost constant physical pain, mostly stemming from my kidneys these days (an organ associated with the root chakra). I am depressed to the point of being suicidal sometimes. I have an acute fear of loss, and a stupid crazy need for things, especially clothing. There is nothing about me that I love right now. Most days I sit on the couch with my knitting and do all of nothing, going back to bed in the same pajamas. The most I ask from my days right now is that I be allowed to mentally check out and have a minimum of physical pain.
One of the things the website I'm reading says, is that I can balance this chakra by cleaning my house. *Grimace* I am frankly embarrassed at the state of my house. I keep trying to find the motivation to do something, and I keep not having it. I guess that's another symptom of the blockage, huh? Another thing it says is to dance. I haven't really done that in a while, mostly because it irritates the hubby. But who says it has to be in front of him? Also, it says to go barefoot and take care of plants.
So my Root Chakra To-Do List:
Crank up the music and dance
Go barefoot, and tend to my garden
Clean my house, starting in the kitchen, which happens to be the epicenter of the gross.
Start everyday by saying, "My life is full of love and opportunity. Today, I will rise to each challenge set before me, and tonight, I will go to bed better for it."
Source
16 May 2012
Body Clutter Chapter 2
I am really bad at his whole "consistency" thing, aren't I? It's been a busy couple of days, but I am back.
Chapter 2 is about the lies that the "diet" industry sells us. They want you to believe that there really is a shortcut, and theirs is the path to salvation from obesity. Then, when it fails, they are right there to sell you a new snake oil because *this time* will be different. I cannot tell you how much this affected me, or for how long. And I know it isn't just me. We are bombarded with so many images of people who succeed on these programs, that the only conclusion we are left with is that *we* are the ones to blame, the ones who failed.
This, friends, is BULLSH*T. The simple truth is that there is no quick fix, no shortcut to health (and really, do I even have to say it? The focus should be on health, NOT weight or size). We are being lied to daily, and we are living the lies as if they are truth. Then why are we failing? Because successful weight loss means we don't need them anymore. A healthier person doesn't need a new miracle diet or pill or surgery. Why would an industry that makes millions off of people with low self-image want to improve that image?
Several questions this chapter. First, what is your image of beautiful? Mine is having a body strong enough to love my hubby, spoil my nieces and nephews and keep my home clean. Caring about myself enough to shower daily (yes, I am depressed and skip days, no, I don't care what you think of that). Being healthy enough to carry my clean laundry up to the second floor from the basement without being winded. Maintaining my loving nature, and developing some humility and patience. My idea of beauty truly comes from the inside.
Next: what diets and such have you tried and how did you do? I played a lot of soccer as a child, also did some weight training at the YMCA. I did well with both, not really getting thinner, but at least I wasn't getting fatter. As I grew up, I mostly tried exercise, from more weights, to yoga (which I still love to this day), Tai Chi (also awesome) and the Couch to 5K program, which I love, but never stuck with. Diet-wise, I've tried and failed at Slim-Fast (awful, hateful stuff), the Hollywood Fast (made it through about 36 of 48 hours), and Herbalife (made me sick to my stomach). The only diet that ever worked for me was Atkins, which did wonders for my energy levels and waistline. The big problem? Meat is EXPENSIVE. So I never stuck with it.
It then asks you to go back to your teen years to reconstruct your weight timeline. Mine is fairly simple. I was about 180 when I was 15, gained about 100 pounds over the course of the next 3 years, and eventually (I think I was actually 20) I leveled out at my current 310ish. No true trigger situation, just a lifetime of poor eating and no exercise combined with hormones. I also have PCOS, so that contributed.
Finally, health issues. Again, PCOS. Also, pre-diabetic insulin resistance, borderline thyroid issues, severe hypertension and possibly whatever is going on with my kidneys.
I'll try to be back tomorrow for chapter 3. Love you guys (especially whoever is reading me in Russia and Germany! That's insanely cool).
Chapter 2 is about the lies that the "diet" industry sells us. They want you to believe that there really is a shortcut, and theirs is the path to salvation from obesity. Then, when it fails, they are right there to sell you a new snake oil because *this time* will be different. I cannot tell you how much this affected me, or for how long. And I know it isn't just me. We are bombarded with so many images of people who succeed on these programs, that the only conclusion we are left with is that *we* are the ones to blame, the ones who failed.
This, friends, is BULLSH*T. The simple truth is that there is no quick fix, no shortcut to health (and really, do I even have to say it? The focus should be on health, NOT weight or size). We are being lied to daily, and we are living the lies as if they are truth. Then why are we failing? Because successful weight loss means we don't need them anymore. A healthier person doesn't need a new miracle diet or pill or surgery. Why would an industry that makes millions off of people with low self-image want to improve that image?
Several questions this chapter. First, what is your image of beautiful? Mine is having a body strong enough to love my hubby, spoil my nieces and nephews and keep my home clean. Caring about myself enough to shower daily (yes, I am depressed and skip days, no, I don't care what you think of that). Being healthy enough to carry my clean laundry up to the second floor from the basement without being winded. Maintaining my loving nature, and developing some humility and patience. My idea of beauty truly comes from the inside.
Next: what diets and such have you tried and how did you do? I played a lot of soccer as a child, also did some weight training at the YMCA. I did well with both, not really getting thinner, but at least I wasn't getting fatter. As I grew up, I mostly tried exercise, from more weights, to yoga (which I still love to this day), Tai Chi (also awesome) and the Couch to 5K program, which I love, but never stuck with. Diet-wise, I've tried and failed at Slim-Fast (awful, hateful stuff), the Hollywood Fast (made it through about 36 of 48 hours), and Herbalife (made me sick to my stomach). The only diet that ever worked for me was Atkins, which did wonders for my energy levels and waistline. The big problem? Meat is EXPENSIVE. So I never stuck with it.
It then asks you to go back to your teen years to reconstruct your weight timeline. Mine is fairly simple. I was about 180 when I was 15, gained about 100 pounds over the course of the next 3 years, and eventually (I think I was actually 20) I leveled out at my current 310ish. No true trigger situation, just a lifetime of poor eating and no exercise combined with hormones. I also have PCOS, so that contributed.
Finally, health issues. Again, PCOS. Also, pre-diabetic insulin resistance, borderline thyroid issues, severe hypertension and possibly whatever is going on with my kidneys.
I'll try to be back tomorrow for chapter 3. Love you guys (especially whoever is reading me in Russia and Germany! That's insanely cool).
10 May 2012
Body Clutter Chapter 1
Welcome to today, Part 2. :)
There are 14 chapters in Body Clutter, and I will be attempting to work through one chapter a day. Last time I tried this, I only made it to chapter 4, but I have big plans this time! By the way, I was using a hand drawn birthday card from my younger brother as a bookmark, and the poem he wrote on it is just perfect. He said:
May all of your goals and dreams come true
Good health and happiness I wish upon you
Times are tough, work is hard
I hope you find comfort in reading this card!
ANYWHO...To business.
Chapter 1 is titled Food: The Ultimate Weapon of Self-Destruction. The first question it asks is: what is your favorite food, one you can't ever seem to get enough of? For me, that's milk. At the time of my first reading, I could have easily drank a gallon of milk in a sitting, let alone a day. There is just something about that creamy sweetness that is intoxicating for me.
The second question is: Why? Why is your relationship with that particular food so out of balance? I had to really think about it, but I did figure it out. I was a big child, always the most overweight in my already quite large-bodied family. My mother, trying to be kind and save me from the life I am currently living, put strict limits on my food intake. She used to hide the snack cakes and chips so I couldn't find them. This only lead to my sneaking other foods and hiding them in my bedroom, but that is a separate issue.
There were a few foods I could eat as much of as I wanted. Raw broccoli and carrots (with limited amounts of Hidden Valley Ranch dressing), or certain fruits. The one "treat" I was allowed without limitation was milk, and all my mother bought was whole. Like I said, it was creamy and a little sweet, and really felt just decadent. When I craved fat or sugar, I'd ask for milk, and I'd get it. And I would chug it. It became my "legal" escape.
I crave milk now because it feels like a valid comfort, even though I am massively lactose intolerant. You know, I missed several days of school when I was younger because I would wake up feeling sick to my stomach? This went on for YEARS until one fateful week when the hubby and I were living with his parents. They went on a cruise, he had broken his foot and I don't drive, so when we ran out of milk, we stayed out. And guess what? I felt better for the first time since I was about 15.
So, yeah, between that and the realization I had last time I did this chapter, I have mostly brought my milk and dairy consumption under control. (Although, writing about this, I had 2 glasses of Lactaid.)
That's pretty much it. I'm taking my first babysteps towards a healthier attitude and a healthier body. This should be interesting.
There are 14 chapters in Body Clutter, and I will be attempting to work through one chapter a day. Last time I tried this, I only made it to chapter 4, but I have big plans this time! By the way, I was using a hand drawn birthday card from my younger brother as a bookmark, and the poem he wrote on it is just perfect. He said:
May all of your goals and dreams come true
Good health and happiness I wish upon you
Times are tough, work is hard
I hope you find comfort in reading this card!
ANYWHO...To business.
Chapter 1 is titled Food: The Ultimate Weapon of Self-Destruction. The first question it asks is: what is your favorite food, one you can't ever seem to get enough of? For me, that's milk. At the time of my first reading, I could have easily drank a gallon of milk in a sitting, let alone a day. There is just something about that creamy sweetness that is intoxicating for me.
The second question is: Why? Why is your relationship with that particular food so out of balance? I had to really think about it, but I did figure it out. I was a big child, always the most overweight in my already quite large-bodied family. My mother, trying to be kind and save me from the life I am currently living, put strict limits on my food intake. She used to hide the snack cakes and chips so I couldn't find them. This only lead to my sneaking other foods and hiding them in my bedroom, but that is a separate issue.
There were a few foods I could eat as much of as I wanted. Raw broccoli and carrots (with limited amounts of Hidden Valley Ranch dressing), or certain fruits. The one "treat" I was allowed without limitation was milk, and all my mother bought was whole. Like I said, it was creamy and a little sweet, and really felt just decadent. When I craved fat or sugar, I'd ask for milk, and I'd get it. And I would chug it. It became my "legal" escape.
I crave milk now because it feels like a valid comfort, even though I am massively lactose intolerant. You know, I missed several days of school when I was younger because I would wake up feeling sick to my stomach? This went on for YEARS until one fateful week when the hubby and I were living with his parents. They went on a cruise, he had broken his foot and I don't drive, so when we ran out of milk, we stayed out. And guess what? I felt better for the first time since I was about 15.
So, yeah, between that and the realization I had last time I did this chapter, I have mostly brought my milk and dairy consumption under control. (Although, writing about this, I had 2 glasses of Lactaid.)
That's pretty much it. I'm taking my first babysteps towards a healthier attitude and a healthier body. This should be interesting.
Never Give Up
This...this is just terrible. I apologize, really. I can NOT believe that it has been over a year since I last posted. I know, with less than a dozen followers, I'm mostly letting myself down, but dammit, I'm important, too. So, I'm sorry readers. And I'm sorry, me. I'm going to do better. Now to the post.
I, like most of the internet, saw the viral video, linked here. That, if you haven't seen it, is Arthur's story. Seriously, go watch it. I cried. But more importantly, I went looking. I found DDP yoga, created by professional wrestler, Diamond Dallas Page. I looked around his website, and I found another story. Stacey's story. This was a woman who tried everything, even losing 100lbs twice, always coming back to were she had been. And yet, she tried again. For more info, you can read her blog here. After some hemming and hawing about the price with the hubby (I hemmed and hawed, he encouraged), I purchased the DVDs today.
Do not misunderstand me. I am not in this purely for weight-loss. I don't give a damn what I end up looking like. I do care about my health. I care to get off of my blood-pressure medicine. I care to not get winded or achy climbing stars. I care to be the best nurse I can possibly be. And if I choose to have children someday, I care to have a safe pregnancy and a healthy child. So while I EAGERLY await the arrival of my newest obsession, I need to get my mind in the right space to achieve and maintain long-term health. And that means cracking open FlyLady and Dinner Diva's book, Body Clutter.
This is a book geared towards a deeper understanding of why we let our weight spiral out of control in the first place. Knowing our past hurts and letting them go. Understanding our triggers and learning how to over come them. As FlyLady says, Finally Loving Yourself (FLYing). And I'm going to work through it right here on this blog. And when I get my DVDs, I will work through them here, as well. And once I get some on going health issues sorted, I plan to return to my running, to ALSO be chronicled here.
I think I'm ready to be healthy. Wish me luck.
I, like most of the internet, saw the viral video, linked here. That, if you haven't seen it, is Arthur's story. Seriously, go watch it. I cried. But more importantly, I went looking. I found DDP yoga, created by professional wrestler, Diamond Dallas Page. I looked around his website, and I found another story. Stacey's story. This was a woman who tried everything, even losing 100lbs twice, always coming back to were she had been. And yet, she tried again. For more info, you can read her blog here. After some hemming and hawing about the price with the hubby (I hemmed and hawed, he encouraged), I purchased the DVDs today.
Do not misunderstand me. I am not in this purely for weight-loss. I don't give a damn what I end up looking like. I do care about my health. I care to get off of my blood-pressure medicine. I care to not get winded or achy climbing stars. I care to be the best nurse I can possibly be. And if I choose to have children someday, I care to have a safe pregnancy and a healthy child. So while I EAGERLY await the arrival of my newest obsession, I need to get my mind in the right space to achieve and maintain long-term health. And that means cracking open FlyLady and Dinner Diva's book, Body Clutter.
This is a book geared towards a deeper understanding of why we let our weight spiral out of control in the first place. Knowing our past hurts and letting them go. Understanding our triggers and learning how to over come them. As FlyLady says, Finally Loving Yourself (FLYing). And I'm going to work through it right here on this blog. And when I get my DVDs, I will work through them here, as well. And once I get some on going health issues sorted, I plan to return to my running, to ALSO be chronicled here.
I think I'm ready to be healthy. Wish me luck.
06 August 2010
Frustrations, Jubilations and (Personal) Renovations
I haven't been running in over a month. This summer has been REALLY hot, and I'm still trying to find a treadmill that can accommodate over 300 pounds. I also need real running shoes. I haven't been getting enough exercise at all, but the Bowflex is finally up and running! I'm starting a weight training routine Tuesday. Also, I'm supposed to help a friend who needs to GAIN weight (for heath reasons!-The only reason you should ever care what your weight is!) so that should be interesting.
My self-esteem (the point of this whole blog) was recently given a boost when I hosted a dinner party last weekend. I cooked and served a three-course meal without burning down the house or poisoning anyone. I was very proud.
However, it took me three days just to get the kitchen any semblance of tidy again. Not because it was so messy, but because I was too lazy to do it. That got me thinking. We obsess so much over the unimportant physical stuff that is difficult, if not impossible to change (too fat, too short, etc.). What about the inner stuff? I have a list of character flaws ranging from minor (whininess) to major (I can be REALLY mean for no good reason) with a whole lot in the middle (too lazy to do dishes). That is the stuff to focus on. Who we are is not what we look like. It is what we DO.
So this week's assignment is to identify ONE character flaw that has nothing to do with physicality and name a course of action to change it. So, "I don't exercise enough" doesn't count, but "I park in the handicapped spot when there is nothing wrong with me" definitely does. For example.
My flaw is laziness. Specifically, I spend WAY too much time on the internet and not enough doing the simple tasks set before me (mostly by myself!) each day. It is a downer on the self-esteem, and it is putting a strain on my relationship. My course of action is to not boot up my computer or open a book until my chores are done. It is a simple change that should really only delay my relaxation by a couple of hours a day.
So what is holding you back from reaching your potential, and what do you plan to do about it?
My self-esteem (the point of this whole blog) was recently given a boost when I hosted a dinner party last weekend. I cooked and served a three-course meal without burning down the house or poisoning anyone. I was very proud.
However, it took me three days just to get the kitchen any semblance of tidy again. Not because it was so messy, but because I was too lazy to do it. That got me thinking. We obsess so much over the unimportant physical stuff that is difficult, if not impossible to change (too fat, too short, etc.). What about the inner stuff? I have a list of character flaws ranging from minor (whininess) to major (I can be REALLY mean for no good reason) with a whole lot in the middle (too lazy to do dishes). That is the stuff to focus on. Who we are is not what we look like. It is what we DO.
So this week's assignment is to identify ONE character flaw that has nothing to do with physicality and name a course of action to change it. So, "I don't exercise enough" doesn't count, but "I park in the handicapped spot when there is nothing wrong with me" definitely does. For example.
My flaw is laziness. Specifically, I spend WAY too much time on the internet and not enough doing the simple tasks set before me (mostly by myself!) each day. It is a downer on the self-esteem, and it is putting a strain on my relationship. My course of action is to not boot up my computer or open a book until my chores are done. It is a simple change that should really only delay my relaxation by a couple of hours a day.
So what is holding you back from reaching your potential, and what do you plan to do about it?
19 June 2010
C25K, W0D1
Good GOD. I am SO out of shape. Thursday, I decided to do a test run of Week 1 Day 1 (W1D1) of the Couch to 5K program. Now, keep in mind, this a a program designed SPECIFICALLY for lazy couch potatoes. W1D1 consists of a five minute warm up, followed by 8 intervals of run 60 seconds, walk 90 seconds, finished with a cool down.
I couldn't even do 3 intervals. Then, I walked home and died for 3 hours. Two days later, I am still sore.
My resolve is strong though. I'm calling it Week 0 until I can run all of the intervals. And I WILL run all of the intervals. I'm calling it the "Coma to 5K." :) I have a few running buddies lined up. It'll be fun. I WILL finish the program.
And they have other programs, too. 5K to 10K, 10K to half marathon, and half marathon to marathon. I want to be running a marathon by my 28th birthday. And I will cry as I cross the finish line.
Because this body? This is a body my doctors have told me will never allow me to have children. A body I am told is trying to kill me. But this is a body that, if worked with, nurtured and trained, will allow me to accomplish anything. Even running a marathon.
And when that day arrives, I will rejoice in all that my body is capable of, how far I have come and how very much it means to my health and my quality of life. I don't care if I'm never not fat, because, hey, I love me. I just want to keep up with my kids WHEN I have them.
I couldn't even do 3 intervals. Then, I walked home and died for 3 hours. Two days later, I am still sore.
My resolve is strong though. I'm calling it Week 0 until I can run all of the intervals. And I WILL run all of the intervals. I'm calling it the "Coma to 5K." :) I have a few running buddies lined up. It'll be fun. I WILL finish the program.
And they have other programs, too. 5K to 10K, 10K to half marathon, and half marathon to marathon. I want to be running a marathon by my 28th birthday. And I will cry as I cross the finish line.
Because this body? This is a body my doctors have told me will never allow me to have children. A body I am told is trying to kill me. But this is a body that, if worked with, nurtured and trained, will allow me to accomplish anything. Even running a marathon.
And when that day arrives, I will rejoice in all that my body is capable of, how far I have come and how very much it means to my health and my quality of life. I don't care if I'm never not fat, because, hey, I love me. I just want to keep up with my kids WHEN I have them.
27 February 2010
Finding good in everything
God damn, but I am cute. And I mean really cute.
Sure I have my flaws (God, just check out earlier posts *shudder*). But along with the big tummy and lumpy thighs is an amazing set of eyes and nearly perfect lips. I have well shaped calves, pretty ankles, huge tits. I am ADOREABLE.
No this isn't me just being arrogant, nor has it been easy to get to this place. I still rely way too heavily on the input of others to build up my sense of worth, and all it takes is the wrong look from the right person to send me spiralling. But I get up. I see what is good in me. And to Hell with anyone who can't.
It is somewhat more difficult, I know, if you don't have the amazing love and support I get from my family. But if your mom can't see how amazing you are, to Hell with her. If your dad calls you fat, to Hell with him. If your boyfriend or your girlfriend makes you feel like you are anything less than a beautiful person inside and out, you don't need them.
All you need is you, and an ability to see past your flaws to what makes you perfect. In closing I will share one of my favorite pictures I've ever seen.
She is beautiful. So are you. Hugs to all.
10 December 2009
No more day tags
I have lost all ability to tag by the day. This semester has been insane. Chemistry, Biology, Psychology and English. :P On top of that, my aunt passed away just after Thanksgiving, and my brother was arrested. So, yeah, very little time to think, let alone blog.
I just wanted to log on and tell anyone who finds this: YOU ARE AMAZING. The fact that you wake up every morning and get up and live our life is nothing short of a miracle. Some of you have to go to work that you hate, some of you have to deal with too many kids and not enough help, you may have chronic physical pain, or you may have lived through intense mental pain. You may have a great life, or you may have a partner who makes your life harder than it has to be. But if you woke up today, you've been given a new chance!
You are capable of amazing beauty. Caring for your children, partner, parents, friends.... Reaching out to help a stranger.... Volunteering with animals at the shelter.... Picking up some litter.... When you stop to make someone else's day beautiful, it adds to your own sense of worth. I challenge any of you who are having a bad day to get out of your own head and make someone else's day. Then look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you are capable of touching another life in a positive way, and that you are beautiful and worthy of love and acceptance.
You are all beautiful. <3 <3 <3
I just wanted to log on and tell anyone who finds this: YOU ARE AMAZING. The fact that you wake up every morning and get up and live our life is nothing short of a miracle. Some of you have to go to work that you hate, some of you have to deal with too many kids and not enough help, you may have chronic physical pain, or you may have lived through intense mental pain. You may have a great life, or you may have a partner who makes your life harder than it has to be. But if you woke up today, you've been given a new chance!
You are capable of amazing beauty. Caring for your children, partner, parents, friends.... Reaching out to help a stranger.... Volunteering with animals at the shelter.... Picking up some litter.... When you stop to make someone else's day beautiful, it adds to your own sense of worth. I challenge any of you who are having a bad day to get out of your own head and make someone else's day. Then look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you are capable of touching another life in a positive way, and that you are beautiful and worthy of love and acceptance.
You are all beautiful. <3 <3 <3
11 August 2009
Day 6: Big Girls, You Are Beautiful!
I just wanted to share a video that i adore, that I found when Googling the phrase "big girls are beautiful." The song is by Mika, a British singer who is fabulous. If you get a chance, listen to some of his other stuff. I recommend "Grace Kelly," which is about trying to get people to accept you for who you are, "Relax, Take it Easy," which, near as I can tell, is about devotion and the need to mellow in a relationship, and "Lollipop," which is just fun.
So follow the link to "Big Girl (You Are Beautiful) by Mika.
And remember, no matter who you are, how much you weigh, or what you look like, there is beauty in all of us. Maybe you have a particularly great smile, or kind eyes, an amazing rack (yeah, I said it. Flaunt it girl!). Maybe you have the best hair in the world, or curves that would flip an SUV. Whatever it is, find it, and love it. If you can find even ONE thing about you that is beautiful, you will start learning to see the beauty in the rest of yourself.
This goes for the guys, too.
*MUAH*
So follow the link to "Big Girl (You Are Beautiful) by Mika.
And remember, no matter who you are, how much you weigh, or what you look like, there is beauty in all of us. Maybe you have a particularly great smile, or kind eyes, an amazing rack (yeah, I said it. Flaunt it girl!). Maybe you have the best hair in the world, or curves that would flip an SUV. Whatever it is, find it, and love it. If you can find even ONE thing about you that is beautiful, you will start learning to see the beauty in the rest of yourself.
This goes for the guys, too.
*MUAH*
05 August 2009
Attempt 2, Day 1: I Need This
Steve and I are both at all time high weights. Mine is sitting at about 323, last I checked. My pants are tight again. So I decided to redo the overall theme of this site, to give myself a fresh start.
This time, the focus will not be so much on losing weight, but just making healthy changes in my life, both physical and mental. I will not beat myself up for missing a day of exercise or messing up in my eating. My goals will be more concrete (no more candy or snack cakes) and less abstract (eat less junk), and less weight-loss oriented (lose 150 lbs) and more health oriented (get off my BP meds).
Also included will be tips and tidbits on ways I'm learning to love myself JUST AS I AM. It's so much easier to form healthy habits when you view yourself as someone worthy of love and nurturing. Hating yourself is just a road to self-punishment, i.e. binging until you want to puke.
I want to love me. I'm tired of waiting for other people to convince me I'm worthy of love. Damn it, I AM worthy of love. And I'm going to learn to love me, lumps and all. I want to see the beautiful woman that I keep being told I am.
Let's all rebel against the perfectionist culture that puts beauty in such a small box. we can't all be 5'11'' size 2 blondes with big racks and no hips. Ew. Most of us would look AWFUL like that. Plus how boring would that be? Let's celebrate the beauty of our diversity, and the diversity of beauty!
I'm going to start giving assignments.
This assignment:
Tell me one amazing thing your body can do, right now in the shape it's in now.
Thank you for reading, dear friends.
This time, the focus will not be so much on losing weight, but just making healthy changes in my life, both physical and mental. I will not beat myself up for missing a day of exercise or messing up in my eating. My goals will be more concrete (no more candy or snack cakes) and less abstract (eat less junk), and less weight-loss oriented (lose 150 lbs) and more health oriented (get off my BP meds).
Also included will be tips and tidbits on ways I'm learning to love myself JUST AS I AM. It's so much easier to form healthy habits when you view yourself as someone worthy of love and nurturing. Hating yourself is just a road to self-punishment, i.e. binging until you want to puke.
I want to love me. I'm tired of waiting for other people to convince me I'm worthy of love. Damn it, I AM worthy of love. And I'm going to learn to love me, lumps and all. I want to see the beautiful woman that I keep being told I am.
Let's all rebel against the perfectionist culture that puts beauty in such a small box. we can't all be 5'11'' size 2 blondes with big racks and no hips. Ew. Most of us would look AWFUL like that. Plus how boring would that be? Let's celebrate the beauty of our diversity, and the diversity of beauty!
I'm going to start giving assignments.
This assignment:
Tell me one amazing thing your body can do, right now in the shape it's in now.
Thank you for reading, dear friends.
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